Friday, February 24, 2012

Day 3 Update: Montezuma's Revenge!

Okay... for anyone doing a juice fast there will come a time of reckoning. All those minerals, nutrients, and vitamins are hard at work trying to flush out all the poison and toxins we have loaded up in our systems and all that stored toxins are going to rear their ugly head at some point...

I took Sage with me to the park told him we would go for a walk and then we would play... 1/2 a mile into my walk the stomach gurgles, the cramps start to build, and the sweat starts to bead across my forehead. (Even though it is 62 degrees out) You know what I am talking about, especially my friends who no longer have a Gaul bladder. I was on a track in the middle of a park that has a bathroom on the OTHER SIDE of the mile long track....  I think I ended up jogging instead of walking that last 1/2 a mile. Of course I get to the port-a-john and it is N-A-S-T-Y! "Why is there half an egg shell in the urinal? Never mind I don't want to know." I think to myself. I didn't care. I was so close to using this disgusting, sad excuse for a place for relief, until I look down. "You have got to be kidding me!" I shout as I realize this portal to all that is unholy has no toilet paper in it!

The whole time I am fighting with a two year old, who is throwing a temper tantrum because we are so close to the slides and the swings and all that are shiny and enticing to a two year old that scream "PLAY WITH ME!" I break out into a full out run to my truck, tears in my eyes apologizing to Sage. "Sorry honey! But mommy has to get home, fast!" I finally wrestle the wild thing, with his flailing arms and kicking legs, into his car seat, start the truck and bolt out of the parking lot!

I am so grateful at this point there aren't any cops because I don't think I came to a complete stop at any of the stop signs, I am singing Hallelujah when I hit the only stop light green. I am counting down how many blocks I have left... "Come on, come on! Just one more stop sign, and two blocks!" I bite my tongue trying to be Christ like and not swear at the 3 cars at the 4 way stop sign, knowing it's not their fault. Pull in the drive way, I am glad all my neighbors are at work or in their houses because I probably looked like a crazy lady. Sage is still screaming "Play! Play!" he is heartbroken that his horrid, mean mother ripped him away from heaven on Earth.

I get to the front door, I am shaking so bad, I drop my keys! "Stupid, stupid me!" I am cursing under my breath because the keys refuse to cooperate. "OPEN DARN YOU DOOR!" I shout! (Again thankful none of my neighbors are watching) The door finally opens and I don't bother taking the keys from the knob as I am shooing Sage in the door. Breaking my own rule of no slamming the doors. I make the beeline for the restroom.
And no sooner do I sit down... AAAAHHHH!!!! I made it, my eyes are watering because I am so relieved! Never have I praised God more in that moment! I am still wondering if that is sacrilege... I am sure He will forgive me, I think he understands mans weaknesses more than anyone.

So moral of the story: If you are going to stray far from home on a juice fast DO NOT stray far from a bathroom, at least on your first few days, because Montezuma is not the only one who seeks revenge!


  1. Sigh, I feel your pain ma'am, I feel your pain. Nothing like the gall bladder attack to ruin your perfectly planned out day. Love you! :)

  2. Oh, my goodness....I am so there with you!!!